自助餐厅里，正是午餐高峰期，里面只剩几张空桌子。Richard走进来，拿着营养午餐找到一张桌子坐下。从他沉重的背包里，Richard拿出他妈妈的信开始读。

(The scene is a cafeteria. It is during lunch rush, and there are few empty tables. Enter Richard, who finds one and sits down with his nutritious lunch. He takes from his heavy backpack a letter from his mother. He begins reading:)

Richard: "Dear Richard, Hey, Tiger, how are you? I hope you are adjusting well to college life. In a few days you will get the book I sent you: How To Be Happy At College."

(Enter Girl, with lunch, desperately looking for an empty seat. Finally, she sees one next to Richard.)

Girl (coming over): Is this seat taken?

Richard (rather stunned): Uh -- no. Please, sit down.

Girl: Thanks. (Sits.)

(Richard clumsily hides the letter under his cheeseburger. After an awkward pause:)

Girl: Say, what's your name?

Richard: Uh, Richard.

Girl: Are you sure?

Richard: Yes. I'm Richard. (Sticks his hand out for her to shake.)

Girl (glancing at his hand): Richard what?

Richard: Richard Freshman.

Girl: That's unfortunate.

Richard: Pardon?

Girl: Nothing. (Chuckles. Thinking out loud:) Richard Freshman. That's classic. What a stupid name. I mean, it's bad enough to have that name when you're a freshman, but. . . Even when you're a senior you'll still be a Freshman. (Nods

her head.) Even worse your name is Dick. Dick. Dick Freshman. Ooo.(Shaking her head, Girl gets up and leaves with her lunch. Richard sighs and goes back to his letter.)

Richard (Reads): "Now Richard, don't go around breaking all the girls' hearts. Only kidding. Enclosed is your weekly $5 allowance." She remembered! "Spend it wisely. I hope you're meeting a lot of new friends."(While Richard is reading, two frat boys enter, one carrying a stack of flyers, the other a small booklet. They are staring at the booklet, trying to figure out who Richard is. Finally, they approach him.)

Tim #1: Uh, Richard. . . Richard Freshman?

Richard (With his mouth full): Yeth.

Tim #1: Hi, I'm Tim. (Shakes Richard's hand.)

Tim #2: And I'm Tim. (Shakes his hand.)

Tim #1: We're from the Alpha Alpha fraternity.

Tim #2: But some people call us AA for short.

(Tims laugh at Tim's joke. Obviously Richard doesn't get it.)

Tim #1: Uh, anyway, we just wanted to tell you that we're open to freshman any

time, uh, here's a calendar of events. (He hands Richard a flyer.) Tomorrow is

the, uh, Buffalo BBQ. And Sunday is the Jello Bake-Off and Frog Jumping Contest.

Monday -- Monday is great, it's the Spam Sculpture Spectacular. And later next

week we'll be having movie night. And we'll be showing the "Porky" films that

evening.

Tim #2: Good movies.

Tim #1: Good movies. So, feel free to drop by any time, come meet the brothers

Richard: Um, thanks guys, but honestly I am not considering joining a

fraternity.

Tim #1: Oh, well, you know, you don't have to pledge if you don't want to, just

come by --

Richard: Really, guys, I don't think so.

Tims (Offended): Well, fine. So, you won't consider stopping by? Fine. Whatsa

matter, don't like us or something? Don't think the Jello Bake-Off is fun? Guess

you won't be needing this then. (Tim #2 grabs the flyer he gave to Richard. Exit

Tims. Richard goes back to his letter.)

Richard (Reads): "Now, Richard. Remember to choose your friends carefully." I

will, mom. "I have to go because Dad needs help up the stairs. I'll send a case

of chilicheese treats every month so you won't be hungry. And don't forget to

take your vitamins. College work takes a lot of energy." (Takes out his

Flinstones vitamins) I think I'll take a Barney today.

(Enter Millis. Millis is big. Real big. Probably 6 1/2 feet tall, weighs twice

as much as Richard. He seems lost, confused. He sees Richard and rumbles over.

Millis grabs the cheeseburger and puts it on his empty tray. Then Millis takes

Richard's entire lunch and exits. Richard, mouth full of cheeseburger, sits

looking stunned. Enter Jimmy, everybody's friend. He sees what just happened to

Richard.)

Jimmy (Sitting down): That was Millis Borg. He lost his meal tickets last week,

so he has to steal people's lunches so he can eat. It means he likes you.

Richard: Oh.