[Bridget] Another year, a brand new diary.

Once again I was summoned, kicking and screaming,

to my mother's turkey curry buffet,

where I've had some of the most shaming experiences of my life.

- [doorbell] - Hello, darling.

- Lovely to see you. - [Magic Moments plays]

It was, as usual, crammed full

with some of the most dangerous perverts in the UK,

disguised as close, personal friends of my parents.

- Hello, Bridget. - Hello, Una.

- Oh, no, thanks. - Love the jumper.

- I prefer what's underneath it. - Uncle Geoffrey!

- Hello, gorgeous. - Hello.

- Hello, darling. - Hello, Dad. How's it going?

I wish I was dead.

[Bridget] But this year, there was one crucial difference.

- Nice jumper. - My mother's taste never falters.

Never.

[ The Sound Of Music]

[birdsong]

[Bridget hums along with song]

You always wonder how it's going to work out at the end of the story.

Maria and Captain Von Trapp,

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,

Mark Darcy and Bridget Jones.

I've found my happy ending at last.

And nothing in the world can spoil it.

Well, almost nothing.

[man] Bridget Jones, what the fuck are you doing?

- l, I can't see anywhere soft to land. - How about on your arse?

Bridget, unless you want to get sacked at 6,000 feet,

you will be on your way in exactly three seconds.

Three, two, one... cue Bridget.

Skydiving:

a dangerous bane to the countryside and emergency services,

or a safe and exhilarating hobby?

Well... Iet's see, shall we?

Go. Jump.

- For Christ's sakes, go! - [screams]

[shrill scream]

- She's out. Unit Two, you got her? - [man] We see her.

- Bridget, open the chute. - [Bridget screams]

- Open it. - [Bridget screams]

Open your fucking parachute!

[director] Pull the thingy or you will die!

[screams]

Oh.

[Bridget] Honestly, you forget just one teeny, weeny detail

and everyone treats you like an idiot.

[Carly Simon] Nobody does it better

Makes me feel sad for the rest

Nobody does it

Half as good as you

Baby, baby

Darling, you're the best

Baby, you're the best...

[Bridget] Where was I? Oh, yes... Mark Darcy.

The question is: what happens after you walk off into the sunset?

[director] Bridget? Earth to Bridget Sodding Jones.

- [pigs snort] - [Bridget screams]

[Bridget groans]

[Director] Bridget, you're on. You're live.

Well, this is Bridget Jones for Sit Up Britain,

reporting to you from a big vat of excrement.

- [pigs snort] - [Bridget yelps]

- [squelching] - Give me a close-up of the porker.

[ Minnie Ripperton: Loving You]

[Bridget] Who cares about the odd professional hiccup?

I've been in a functional relationship

with an adult male for six wonderful weeks,

four fabulous days and seven precious hours.

Or to put it another way, 7 1 ecstatic shags.

He's given up being snooty, and I've given up smoking.

- Loving you... - Well, he thinks I have anyway,

which is practically the same thing.

...a dream come true...

[Bridget] Mark Darcy is perfect.

Not a fuckwit, alcoholic, workaholic, pervert or megalomaniac,

but total sex god and human rights lawyer.

He is a miracle, really.

- Bridget, will you stop? - [record scratches]

Stop staring at me. Go and find something to do.

Sorry.

[song starts up again] La la la la la...

[Bridget] So, as you can see, the incredible truth is

the wilderness years are over.

Bridget Jones is a love pariah no more.

[bell]

Morning, Bridget. Late again.

[sighs] Yes. Sorry.

I was in bed with my boyfriend.

He's a human rights lawyer, you know.

Yes, we know.

I cannot believe how fantastic shagging was last night.

Maybe I'll ring him.

No, no...

Obviously it's important to tell one's boyfriend how nice he looks naked,

but I have crucial, Pulitzer Prize winning journalism to do.

[speed dialling, ringing

[Mark] Hello?

It's me. Just wondered how you are.

I'm fine, thanks. Everything all right with you?

[whispering] Fine, though, er,...

I've just had a rather graphic shag flashback.

And you do have a genuinely gorgeous bottom.

Thank you.

I'm with the Mexican ambassador, the head of Amnesty lnternational

and the Undersecretary for Trade and lndustry.

And you're on speakerphone.

Oh. Right, well...

I'm quite busy with important stuff too...

Bridget, we're waiting for that tape about Tom, the happy hamster.

- [Mark] I'll call when I've finished. - Excellent.

And Richard wants to see you about that crap skydiving report.

[whispers] Oh, fuck.

Oh, dear. Is this the end of my career?

No, it can't be.

I will fight this. I am a journalist of the highest standards and integrity.

[tape whirs]

[on tape] This is Bridget Jones reporting from a big vat of excrement.

Look, I never said I could skydive and I'm terrified of heights,

- so it was really hard to concentrate. - Be quiet. They loved it upstairs.

Loved it. And they want us to come up with another regular spot for you.

[laughs] Oh, my God. That's...

- I won't let you down, Richard. - Precisely.

...my friends' motto was "When in Rome, do as many Romans as you can. "

But if your tastes are marginally more highbrow, I also have tips.

Forget the Forum, definitely forget the Coliseum,

no fun now they can't slaughter Christians.

Forget the Sistine Chapel, first example of a poof interior designer gone mad...

What is Daniel Cleaver doing on the television?

It's called The Smooth Guide. "Making culture bearable".

...equally serene and equally beautiful Professore Giovana Dabrache.

who is about to show me her diptych.

Same old creep. [chuckles]

Oh. Shame.